I AM THE FORCE

Something has to be done about sports radio. Those of us who spend alot of time on the road for their jobs have to listen to something, and we occasionally have to turn the dial away from political talk. So, that leaves me with sports talk radio.

There are two indisputable giants in sports talk radio -- Jim Rome and Dan Patrick. Rome is the most consistently entertaining and insightful of them all. His takes on sports or bizarre news stories are often spit-out-your drink hilarious, and almost always right on target. He does sometimes give his showboating callers a little to much leeway, but nobody's perfect. If he's anywhere on my radio dial, I have to go to Jim Rome. His requirement that callers have a take and don't suck is word-perfect and should be followed more widely. Dan Patrick is just consistently good. He's best when he has an entertaining guest or sidekick, but always worth listening to nevertheless. He doesn't often say stupid things, which is more than I can say for most of our other options.

I was driven to write this after briefly listening to the Mike and Mike show this morning. These guys, Mike Golic and Mike Greenberg, have been idiots for a very long time. Golic plays the dumb ex-lineman jock, and Greenberg plays the geeky and neurotic non-athlete. As a former pro football player, the fat Mike should be able to offer some insider insight into at least the NFL. But he doesn't move beyond sports cliches and qualified guesses, and usually just comes off as the not-so-bright big guy on your team who ends up working at the gas station. The little Mike is even more irritating. He's the kid who couldn't make the team, who became the towel boy or P.A. announcer. He's whiney, and is always talking about his effete metrosexuality. I don't want to listen to people like that in real life, and I sure don't want to have to listen to their little-guy geekiness on the radio. This morning they ventured into popular culture with a discussion of the Golden Globe Awards. They spent most of the time talking about how they had never heard of this show or that actress. Here's a tip guys, if your job has to do with talking about popular culture, then maybe you should try to learn something about popular culture. They should just shut up, but usually I have to do it for them.

Colin Cowherd is the mid-morning guy on ESPN radio. He replaced Tony Kornheiser, which I mostly appreciated. But it didn't take more than a few minutes to figure out that Cowherd comes from the screaming lightweight school of sports broadcasters. He also forces us to listen to his neanderthal takes on women and his off-target commentary on popular culture. He's seldom worth listening to, unless you are incredibly desperate and there's a substitute host on WTMJ. He will not entertain you, but he might make you mad. Apparently, that is an acceptable model, as Peter Brown follows the same blustering path on local Milwaukee sports radio. He's so often wrong, and loudly so, that it's necessary to quick switch the station after Rome so you don't end up with a "Family Circus" moment. Most of the other local Madison and Milwaukee sports guys aren't really worth mentioning, other than somebody really needs to beat up that "have a loud take and always suck" Sparky Fifer kid.

Please, sports radio station owners and programmers, can you please get rid of some of your more stroke-inducing broadcasters? I don't care if some of their ratings are good, you need to replace them with people that actually have something to offer. People like the hilarious Sklar Brothers or Jim Lampley or maybe even Skip Bayless. The Mike and Mike's of the sports broadcasting world are likely to push me and infinite others right out of your demographic. I'M BEGGING YOU, GET RID OF THESE GUYS or I might cry in frustration. And, for the record, I never cry.