I AM THE FORCE

First of all, it's prettier. From the hills and coulees of southwestern Wisconsin, up the Mississippi blufflands, even to Up North -- the west is a more geographically attractive country to meander. Other than perhaps Door County, the eastern part of the state is all about highways, flat potato fields, Illinois drivers, and urban sprawl. Anyone who's driven the backroads of Grant or Crawford Counties will be too spoiled to want to spend any time driving through Kewaunee or DePere.

Next, there are too many people and not enough interesting outdoors in the east. Drive in any direction around the Milwaukee metropolitan area, and you find new cookie cutter housing developments, derelict and characterless former farms, McDonalds, Burger King, Dairy Queen and BP stations. Any parks or trails you can find will abhor dogs, be crowded with officials and granolas, and be way too close to highways and civilization.

In the west, you can drive with or without a map, and find little towns you've never heard of and discover something new every time. Small cafes with exceptional pie, or little bars with deep fried cheese curds or liverwurst sandwiches, or a country antique shop where you can find a 1954 Westby Lutheran Church "This Is Our Best," cookbook for 25 cents. You'll find civil war memorials, soaring courthouses, ghost towns, and abandoned breweries.

Up North West is even better than Up North East. There are more of the aforementioned FIB's in the east with their oversize boats or snowmobile trailers speeding by in their SUV's on their 8 hour drive to the lakeside condo in Minocqua. When you're Up North in the East, and you look over the hundreds of mega-mansions hugging the shoreline, you can almost imagine how beautiful it all once was. But if you drive west, you don't have to imagine it. Less people, more dirt roads, less law enforcement, and more space between you and everyone else. And while the west also has its fudge shops, the fudge is definitely better. And that giant musky truly must be seen to be believed. You might also want to check out the world's tallest Indian just across the border from the historic sex, drink and logging town of Hurley. In the west, you will often have the lake to yourself, and in the east you barely control your own pier.

Hunting and fishing is better in Wisconsin West. From pheasants, to grouse, turkeys, muskie, largemouth bass, trout streams, and record whitetail deer -- it's all better than in the east. Although I suspect the east has more game farms where you can shoot birds for a price just out of their cages. If you're an outdoorsman, you will be much happier in the west.

And the water. The Mississippi River with it's sleepy hillside villages, to the bald eagles of the St. Croix River, and the startling cleanliness and clarity of the water of Lake Superior are all superior. If you love water and wildlife, the west can do oh so much more. In the east, you have the Poop Lake with closed beaches, and polluted urban rivers in need of reclamation. Only the elite boat culture types get something out of the lake, although I'm not sure what it could be, other than a way to get somewhere else.

And if you disagree, that is not a problem with me. And if you're an offended easterner, I apologize. But some things are just better than other things. In your heart, you know I'm right.