I AM THE FORCE

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:
February 28, 200
Contact: George Twigg

Milwaukee, Madison Announce Plans To Ban Vehicular Fast Food Eating

Milwaukee Mayor Tom Barrett and Madison Mayor Dave Cieslewicz today announced a joint municipal initiative to ban the eating of fast food while driving. "The health and safety of our children and families is at stake with this common-sense proposal," said Barrett. Mayor Dave finished the sentence by adding, "And paternalistic government is the only way to end the crisis of spilled Big Macs and rear-end collisions."

Recent studies by prominent progressive think tanks have demonstrated that distracted drivers are the number one cause of car accidents in America. "We can no longer afford to stand by and allow this devastation to continue," said Mayor Barrett. "Fast food spilling is a greater threat to our children than drunken and drugged driving combined." Cieslewicz went on to take credit for the idea, although he admitted he may have been influenced by watching the movies "Super Size Me" and "Crash" all in one evening.

The Mayors are working together on this one because of their deeply shared joint belief that government must do more to protect people from themselves. "Conservatives and libertarians used to argue against seat belts and even speed limits," asserted Mayor Cieslewicz, "so it should be no surprise if those neanderthals oppose this common-sense reform as well." The ordinance would require the police to ticket anyone observed eating or drinking in their vehicle, with fines to range from $100 for a first offense to probation for second time offenders and felony misconduct in a vehicle for a third offense.

"People are dying out there on our roads every day," said Barrett, "so we simply must act to eradicate this practice before more children or old people or poor people die." Cieslewicz noted that he once almost ran into a school bus, after scraping off the pickle and mustard, opening the toy, and handing a cheeseburger Happy Meal to his 4-year old daughter in the back seat. "Aggressive government intervention is the only way to protect my daughter and countless others from this scourge of distractedness."

Although no fast food corporations returned our calls, unnamed sources claim that the Burger King has scheduled appearances in both Madison and Milwaukee to oppose what he called, "a direct assault on American values, that threatens the very nature of who we are as a people." Burger King employees have allegedly been encouraged to attend the events and contact their local representatives.

# posted by TPDN : 9:30 AM